The Gentle Art of Saying "Yes" (Too Often): Understanding People-Pleasing in the Indian Context
- Shruti Poonia
- Apr 10
- 6 min read
Updated: May 26
If you often find yourself saying 'yes' when you really want to say 'no,' you're not alone. In this post, we explore the cultural roots of people-pleasing in India and provide practical steps for setting healthier boundaries while maintaining meaningful relationships.
Table of Contents
Namaste!🙏 If you've found your way to this space, chances are you're someone who cares deeply about the people around you. You might be the one who always volunteers, the friend who never says no, the family member who consistently puts others' needs before their own. In many ways, these are beautiful qualities. Our Indian culture often celebrates these acts of service and selflessness. But what happens when this desire to please others becomes a heavy burden, leaving you feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs?
I know that in the vibrant and interconnected tapestry of Indian society, the lines between being helpful and being a people-pleaser can often become blurred. Today, let's gently explore this phenomenon, understand its roots within our cultural context, and offer some compassionate guidance towards finding a healthier balance.
The Familiar "Yes": When Helping Turns into People-Pleasing
How often have you said "yes" when your inner voice screamed "no"? Perhaps it was hosting yet another family gathering while overwhelmed, taking on extra work when your plate was full, or agreeing to plans that didn't resonate. These "yeses" might feel right, maintaining harmony, showing respect, or avoiding conflict.
In the Indian context, this pressure is strong. Our culture deeply values collectivism, where family and community needs often precede individual desires (Hofstede, 2001), sometimes leading to prioritizing others' expectations at your own expense.
What Will People Say?: The Weight of Social Expectations
One of the most pervasive influences on people-pleasing in India is the concept of "Log Kya Kahenge?" – what will people say? This societal concern about reputation and social standing can significantly impact our choices and behaviors. We might agree to things we don't want to do simply to avoid gossip, judgment, or the perception of being selfish or uncooperative.
For example, a young woman might feel pressured to agree to an arranged marriage proposal that doesn't feel right for her, fearing the social repercussions for her family if she refuses. A young man might take on a career path that his parents desire, even if it doesn't align with his passions, due to the cultural emphasis on filial piety and respect for elders. These are just a few examples of how deeply ingrained social expectations can fuel people-pleasing tendencies.
The Role of Family and Upbringing
Our upbringing also plays a significant role. Many of us have been raised in environments where pleasing authority figures, especially parents and elders, was highly valued. Children might learn that their worth is tied to their ability to meet the expectations of their family, leading to a lifelong pattern of seeking external validation through pleasing others.
Consider the child who always strives for perfect grades to avoid disappointing their parents, or the sibling who consistently mediates family conflicts to maintain peace, often neglecting their own emotional needs in the process. These early experiences can shape our beliefs about ourselves and our relationships, making it difficult to assert boundaries and prioritize our own needs as adults.
Examples in Everyday Indian Life
The Overworked Homemaker: A homemaker might constantly agree to requests from family, guests, and neighbours, feeling obligated to be the selfless caregiver, often leading to burnout.
The Agreeable Employee: An employee might consistently say "yes" to extra tasks and late nights, fearing being seen as unprofessional, even if it sacrifices personal time.
The Accommodating Friend: A friend might always go along with group plans, even if they don't enjoy them, to avoid feeling left out.
The Generous Neighbour: A neighbour might readily lend money, even if it's difficult, due to social obligation.
The Hidden Costs of Constant "Yes"
While the intention behind people-pleasing is often positive – to be kind, helpful, and maintain relationships – the long-term consequences can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health. Constantly prioritising others' needs can lead to:
Burnout and Exhaustion: Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" drains your energy and leaves you feeling depleted.
Resentment and Frustration: Over time, feeling taken advantage of or having your own needs consistently unmet can breed resentment towards those you are trying to please.
Loss of Authenticity: When you're constantly trying to be what others want you to be, you can lose touch with your own values, desires, and true self.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: The pressure to constantly meet others' expectations can lead to chronic stress and anxiety.
Difficulty in Forming Genuine Connections: While you might have many acquaintances, people-pleasing can hinder the development of deep, authentic relationships built on mutual respect and honesty.
Finding Your "No": Embracing Healthy Boundaries
The good news is that it is possible to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate healthier boundaries. It's a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, and it's okay to start small and be gentle with yourself. Here are a few steps you can take:
Become Aware: The first step is recognizing your people-pleasing tendencies. Pay attention to when you say "yes" out of obligation rather than genuine desire. Notice the feelings that arise before, during, and after these situations.
Understand Your Values: What truly matters to you? What are your priorities? When you are clear about your own values, it becomes easier to make choices that align with them, even if it means disappointing someone else.
Practice Saying "No": Start with small, low-stakes situations. You can use phrases like, "Thank you for the offer, but I won't be able to," or "I appreciate you thinking of me, but I have other commitments." Remember, "no" is a complete sentence.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. When you feelResourced and cared for, you are better equipped to set healthy boundaries.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: People-pleasers often have underlying fears of rejection or disapproval. Challenge these negative thoughts and remind yourself that your worth is not dependent on pleasing everyone.
Seek Support: Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide valuable support and guidance as you navigate this journey.
How Online Therapy Can Be Your Ally
Navigating people-pleasing in India's social fabric can be overwhelming. Online therapy offers a convenient way to connect with a therapist from home, beneficial in a culture where discussing personal struggles might be stigmatized or access is limited.
A Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Online therapy offers a confidential space to discuss people-pleasing without fear of social judgment, crucial in navigating cultural expectations.
Exploring the Roots: Therapy helps uncover the reasons behind your people-pleasing, including childhood and cultural messages.
Developing Assertiveness Skills: Therapy equips you with strategies to communicate needs and boundaries respectfully.
Learning to Set Healthy Boundaries: Therapy guides you in identifying and maintaining healthy boundaries in all relationships.
Managing Anxiety and Guilt: Therapy provides tools to manage anxiety and guilt associated with saying "no."
Building Self-Compassion and Self-Worth: Therapy helps cultivate self-compassion and recognize your inherent worth beyond pleasing others.
Addressing Cultural and Familial Pressures: A therapist understanding Indian culture offers tailored support in balancing cultural values and your needs.
Convenience and Accessibility: Online therapy eliminates travel and offers flexible scheduling.
Online therapy empowers you to understand your people-pleasing within the Indian context, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and lead a more authentic life. If you struggle with always saying "yes," consider reaching out online.
Research Insights
Research in cross-cultural psychology shows that while social harmony is important in collectivist cultures like India, it doesn’t always mean people are unhealthy or overly focused on pleasing others. Studies point out the importance of distinguishing between healthy behavior that maintains harmony and unhealthy patterns that cause stress (Triandis, 1995). Additionally, research on assertiveness in collectivist societies suggests that expressing one’s needs can still be done respectfully and in a way that preserves harmony (Kim & Markus, 1999).
Setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s an act of self-respect and a way to protect your well-being.
You have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty or needing to provide lengthy explanations. In fact, setting healthy boundaries can actually lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships in the long run. It's time to gently shift the focus from constantly pleasing others to nurturing your own well-being.
References:
Hofstede, G. (2001). Culture's consequences: Comparing values, behaviors, institutions and organizations across nations (2nd ed.). Sage Publications.
Kim, H. S., & Markus, H. R. (1999). Deviance or uniqueness, harmony or conformity? A cultural analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(4), 785–800.
Triandis, H. C. (1995). Individualism & collectivism. Westview Press.
loved reading it 👍